Thoughts By Hawa

Narcissists

Nothing is their fault. Their victims are always to blame. They bully you relentlessly. Tear you down. They seem hell-bent on destroying as much of you as possible. It almost seems like a game to them. But then they try to convince you and others that you’re the problem. I don’t know if they actually believe this or if they’re just trying to convince others. If they do actually believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths, then their sense of reality is even more distorted than I realized. 

All of the narcissists that I have been unfortunate enough to spend time with seemed to lie pathologically. Of course there is the lying to get out of taking accountability. But then there are the times when it didn’t seem necessary to lie. Not that it’s necessarily necessary the other times. I prefer honesty. But I understood the purpose of the lie. To either not take accountability and/or get their way. But sometimes, if they were to just tell the truth they wouldn’t have gotten in any trouble. They weren’t liable in any way that I could think of. So why lie. It appears to have just become their go to. 

Speaking of getting their way… they always have to. They don’t compromise well, if at all.  They must always get their way. And if they don’t they’ll definitely work hard to assure that you don’t either. They’ll use manipulation tactics and petty actions to make sure you’re not happy. Because if they don’t get to be happy, then no one can. But one of the main things that make them happy is drama, chaos, and/or destruction. They seem to get off on this. To need it. To crave it. And if things are too peaceful then they start causing it. When you’re around them, unless you’re like them, you don’t get to be happy nor comfortable. And they don’t seem to care. 

They love their games. They just can’t seem to stop being manipulative and sneaky. What is a serious situation to you is just a game to them. And they play competitively and dangerously. They expect you to play fair. But they never do. It’s all mind games and petty shit. They act like children, more specifically toddlers. They do all of these things and then accuse you of doing these things. And tell others that what describes their behavior describes your behavior. They manipulate everything and everyone. And in my experience they often succeed and get away with it. 

They are predators preying on those they see as weak. They try to make your world revolve around them. They alienate you from people and opportunities that could help you. And they try, like their life depends on it, to destroy you. And then blame everything on you. They enjoy making you as uncomfortable as possible. They feed off of your discomfort. They seem to want you in pain and misery. They are sadistic. 

I’ve spent my whole life surrounded by them. I’ve gotten to know them very well unfortunately. I’m very familiar with their methods. And then of course I’ve been learning more about them on the internet along with everyone else, since they’ve become so popular. My personal experience with people who act this way include my mother, several of my siblings, and most recently my aunt. Oh and a brief experience with a roommate. Though it was brief it was painful. I was being triggered left and right. And I was already in a bad place to begin with. Seeing how I wasn’t close with this person and they weren’t family, it didn’t hurt me. It just kept triggering me and inconveniencing me. But when family treats me this way it hits deep. They just don’t stop. They just keep going. And the abuse just keeps getting worse. As does the damage. The only way out is to get out.

When it comes to narcissists they seem to want to make you their bitch. And whether they can or can’t they’ll destroy you and your reputation. Either way you lose. So I had to go before. And I’ll leave this time too. I wish things could be different. But this is what they chose. And so now I have to choose my health and safety. Goodbye narcissists.