I don’t mean to get depressing…
but I’m not enjoying myself…
or anything.
People keep asking me what I do for fun. And then seem confused by my answer of “Nothing, I don’t really have fun. I’m just trying to survive right now.”
Which just makes me feel worse. You know, for not having fun. It makes me feel more alone. Because they don’t seem to understand it.
It’s not that I wouldn’t love to enjoy myself. Enjoy life. But seriously, some of us just really struggle with that. Plus, we have to prioritize surviving. Otherwise, predators will take advantage of any detour to pounce on you. As I have experienced. Now, of course they’ll pounce on you regardless. But they really notice and take advantage of you chilling. And the sadist in them will just have to ruin your good time. So, I’ve realized that I need to be in a safe space before I can have fun. And that has taken some time to accomplish. And then, so much damage has been done. And now, so much healing needs to be done. And I don’t know when I’ll be able to unwind and find the mental space to be happy. Instead of always worrying, or being confused, or angry, or heartbroken. Happy struggles to make it into the mix. And for some reason they don’t seem to get this. They act so confused that I don’t have anything that I do for fun.
To be fair, I do have a couple of things that I enjoy doing. But I don’t think they would appreciate these answers. Like, I love to read and watch tv occasionally. Yeah, I don’t think that’s what they’re looking for.
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